By Dan Afriat
Rabbi Tamar Appelbaum began our conversation with a story that really stuck with me. She told of her experience as a young girl at a Moroccan family seder. No more than 7 years old, Tamar remembers all of the men in her family sitting around the table, listening to her grandfather retell the narrative of the Jewish exodus from Egypt. While the men were sitting and listening to the story, all of the women stood up and began preparing the meal in the kitchen. Something felt wrong to Tamar. Was this story not for all Jewish people? Why were all of the women in her family leaving the table? At this point, Tamar did something rather remarkable. She stood up and yelled across the table to her grandfather, demanding that the women in the family hear the story as well. Her grandfather, to everyone’s surprise, told all of the women to come back and sit so that they too could be a part of this retelling. Tamar recalls this moment vividly and it acts as a foundation for the action-taking leader that she has become.
Sitting in Rabbi Zeff’s house listening to Tamar speak about this really hit me hard. My family is Moroccan and in a lot of ways, very traditional. During passover at my grandparents’ house every year I had a very similar experience to Tamar’s. As a young boy, I watched as, in the middle of our Seder, my grandma, my my mom, my aunts, and my female cousins stood up and moved to the kitchen to start preparing the meal. For so much of my childhood, I didn’t know any better and just accepted this as the norm. I was supposed to stay seated while all of the women in my family got up and served me. If I ever offered help I was immediately told to sit back down. I let this happen for most of my life because frankly, I didn’t know any better. As I grew older and began to understand the concept of gender roles in society I became increasingly frustrated with my family during Passover. I wasn’t a very outspoken child so I held my tongue, but eventually I started getting up with my grandmother to help prepare the meal. At first she simply told me to go sit back down. I was stubborn. I would love to say that, like Tamar, I had an amazing experience of standing up to my family and pointing out how unfair it is that the women don’t get to listen to the exodus story while the men do but unfortunately I didn’t. To this day, during passover, all of the women in my family get up to prepare the meal while the men sit and read the Haggadah.
Rabbi Appelbaum’s story forced me to rethink what taking action looks like. Could I have done more to change the mindset of my family? Maybe, but maybe not. I won’t know for sure unless I try. This story really struck a deep chord within me and I hope to further explore my own value system and find my own way of standing up for those values. I have a long way to go, but I know this is important to me and am grateful to have had the opportunity to hear from such an inspirational individual as Rabbi Tamar.
